Dear Bob Evans' haircut,

It’s been a while since you were last paraded in front of the nation. How are you? I listened to Bob’s Triple J interview for Goodnight, Bull Creek yesterday morning and realized I’d left a few things unsaid since last time.

Firstly, words cannot express how much I wish to end your terrible existence. It is a cruel reality that none should have to endure. Secondly, you’ve been suffering at the hands of a narcissistic and slightly androgynous cretin. God only knows why he keeps you in a constant state of self-crafted mullet-ness and unnecessary effeminacy. I’m sure it’s been a very rough year.

After your last letter, I thought something was going to change, but now I fear it’s worse than we ever expected. He’s on the radio, the music video shows, the internet, the street press, and now he’s going on tour! He’ll just spread the same ridiculousness he forced onto you those many years ago.

Also, does he really believe that this ‘Bob’ pseudonym projects something more scene than the likes of ‘Kevin Mitchell’? Quote, unquote: “It’s such a dorky name. When I think of Kevin I just think of like, a nerd.”

Now everyone is utterly perplexed! People think he’s Bob Evans, lead singer from Jebediah, gone solo. Barely anyone gets who this Mitchell character is. I see you constantly putting up this lustrous, curly front, but I’m sure you can’t be happy with the cards life has dealt you. Where do you find the will to go on?

All I can say is, this needs to come to an abrupt halt, and soon. Act fast my friend. I suggest lice or severe dandruff, but the rest is up to your own capabilities.

Sincerely,
Your distressed companion,

F. C. Bunny

P.S. I have included a number of clippings that I found throughout cyber space and thought they might aid in bringing to your attention this grave situation you are in.